Posts Tagged Dark Humor
Helen’s children leave home at eighteen. She sleepwalked through her marriage of twenty years for their sake. But when they go, she leaves her husband. Her house is a mess, as is her image and Helen breaks down. Through her pain, she draws blood and allows the universe to guide her and her decisions.
The unexpected happens, scientist Helen gets thrown into a new life of hedonism, dating, and self-discovery. A charming lawyer steals her heart, but is Helen ready for the fast lane? Will the local village firefighter provide the romance of her dreams? Or the military spy CJ, who is convinced that Helen is part of a Romanian smuggling gang.
With the help of her sister Portia, Helen starts to transform her life. The universe guides her to finding something in herself.
Debut author Bena Robert’s provides a unique perspective in this witty black comedy. Dark humor meets chick lit with a robust and realistic voice.
Links for Blind Dates, Big Love & Six Tinder Weeks
Author Bio – Bena Roberts
Bena Roberts was a journalist and analyst. Now she prefers the title romance adventurist! She graduated in England 1994 and then with a Masters in 1997.
Born in 1973, Bena lived in West London until she was 24. Then she lived and worked in Budapest, Bruges, Prague, Amsterdam, Vienna, Hamburg and Munich. She currently resides in Germany, between Heidelberg and Frankfurt. Although she still refers to London as ‘home.’
Bena successfully created a technology blog which gained funding, had lunch with Steve Ballmer and was ‘top 50 most influential woman in mobile.’ Her blog also won several awards including Metro Best Blog. However, her technology career ended after she was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer in 2009. Since 2012, Bena has taught English in Germany and managed a small relocation business.
Bena has two children, loves small dogs and always writes books with a cup of Earl Grey.
Six Tinder Weeks, now Blind Dates, Big Love and Six Tinder Weeks is her debut novel. Other books include The Forever Night Stand, with Tammy & Lisa: Mum Detectives at the Village School available in 2018.
Vicky & Lizzie’s First Period
SNEAK PEEK (5)
Vicky and Lizzie pushed through double doors and entered the sports hall concourse. They were a few minutes late. A congregation of one hundred anxious students lined the wall. They looked nervous as they waited to enter the sports hall to sit their exam.
‘You’re late!’ Jody said. She clutched her English text book under her arm. ‘Bowery’s gonna be well pissed when she gets back.’
‘Oh, who cares?’ Vicky said, reaching into her rucksack and taking out her textbook. ‘She thinks she’s a good teacher. All she ever does is flirt with the boys and take out their rejections on us.’
‘Where is she?’ Lizzie asked, looking over the line of heads and shoulders leading to the door.
‘Ah, you’ve decided to join us.’ A female voice came from behind the line. ‘Vicky. Lizzie.’
They turned around to see the not-unattractive English teacher, Mrs Bowery, staring at them. She’d heard everything that had been said but decided not to challenge it. ‘Where have you two been?’
‘Sorry, miss,’ Lizzie said, looking the woman up and down. Today, she had elected to wear a tight thigh-high skirt, revealing a lot of leg.
‘We had to get our bags from Mr Parker’s class.’
‘They’re lying, miss!’ came a squeaky voice from the front of the line. It belonged to Nancy, the girl who’d collected up the phones in tutor.
‘What’s that, Nancy?’ Mrs Bowery asked.
‘We took our bags to assembly, miss,’ Nancy explained. ‘They were just taking their time.’
‘Is that true?’ Mrs Bowery asked the pair.
They didn’t answer. Instead, they looked down at their shoes.
‘I thought so. Thank you for informing me, Ms Brittle.’
Mrs Bowery walked toward the door to the sports hall. ‘Okay, everyone, before we go in, I want absolute silence. Do you understand what I’ve just said?’
‘Yes, miss,’ came a chorus of twelve-year-old voices.
The doors to the building pushed in. This time, it was Jonnie and Sam. ‘Sorry we’re late, miss!’
‘Jonnie Barron! Samuel Bright. Where have you two been?’
‘Needed to take a piss before the exam, miss,’ Jonnie shouted down the corridor.
‘Language, Jonnie!’ she said, before realising he had a sarcastic response. ‘And don’t you dare say—’
‘Right, that’s it. See me during break time.’
Jonnie caught a glimpse of her generous posterior and licked his lips with delight. ‘Can’t wait, miss.’
Mrs Bowery pushed the door open. ‘Okay, in you go.’
The students filed in one-by-one. Nancy stopped by the door and looked up at Mrs Bowery.
‘What is it, Nancy?’
‘You know Jonnie does it on purpose, don’t you?’
‘Does what on purpose, sweetie?’
Nancy took a deep breath and sighed as Jonnie walked into the sports hall with Sam. ‘Little bitch.’
‘Shut up!’ she said.
‘You shut up!’ Jonnie’s voice echoed around the sports hall.
‘What do you mean? Jonnie does what on purpose?’
‘He does bad things so you’ll give him detention. I heard him say he fancies you and likes looking at your legs and boobs, miss.’
Mrs Bowery swallowed hard and looked up at Jonnie, who took his seat at the back of the sports hall. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, miss. He said he wants to put his willy between your—’
‘—Okay, that’s enough. Thank you, Nancy.’ Shocked, she didn’t quite know how to respond. Nancy, the do-gooder canary, needed removing from any further embarrassment.
Nancy trundled into the sports hall along with the horde of students. A grid of one hundred single chairs and an accompanying desk filled up the space.
Vicky and Lizzie weren’t sat together. Vicky Hopper sat in the middle of the sports hall. Lizzie’s surname – White – meant, as usual, she was last in the food chain. She took her seat at the front of the sports hall, near the tutor desk.
Jonnie Barron and Sam Bright – lucky buggers – were sat next to each other right at the back of the hall.
Each student looked for their name written on a small bit of paper on each desk and finally took their seats.
‘Okay, pencil cases and equipment out, please!’ Mrs Bowery said as she walked to the front desk. ‘You have five minutes until the exam starts. It will last one hour exactly.’
She pointed to the giant wall clock hanging on the front wall by the basketball stand. ‘Absolute silence, please. No peeking at the papers until I tell you!’
Jonnie looked over at Sam at the adjacent seat. ‘Psst!’
Sam didn’t hear him. He took a pencil out from his bag.
Still no response.
Jonnie sighed and kicked his table. ‘I said Psst, gay boy!’
‘Huh?’ Sam turned to Jonnie, confused. ‘What? What do you want?’
‘You got a spare pencil?’
‘Haven’t you got one?’
‘Yeah, but it’s my bag.’ Jonnie kicked his rucksack under the table. ‘I can’t be arsed to get it out.’
‘Ugh…’ Sam reached into his case and took out a second pencil. He flung it at his friend. ‘There.’
Jonnie caught it. ‘Cheers.’
Lizzie lined up three pencils, two erasers and a sharpener on her desktop. She looked over her shoulder and saw Vicky. She tapped the end of her pencil on the desk in tune to her toe kicking the squeaky sports floor.
Vicky gave Lizzie a wink. She raised her eyebrows and nodded at the door to the sports hall.
Lizzie blew Vicky a kiss and winked at her. She turned to the door.
Mr Bloom, the technology teacher, hurried into the hall. ‘Sorry I’m late, Mrs Bowery.’
‘That’s okay, Mr Bloom,’ she smiled and turned to the children. ‘Okay, when I say, you may turn over your papers and begin.’
Mr Bloom took a seat behind the desk and kept a close eye on the students. Mrs Bowery folded her arms and took a deep breath.
‘Three… two… one…’
She looked at the wall clock. Exactly 9:00 am.
‘Make sure your full name is at the top in block capitals, please.’
The children turned over their papers and began to read the questions.
‘You may begin.’
All together now…
There were two girls called Vicky & Lizzie
Who kept the Academy busy
Causing trouble and mirth
For all they were worth
Sending teachers right into a tizzy
They kicked-off a false, nasty rumour
That one of the staff was a groomer
For everyone knows
Gossip spreads out and grows
But the school didn’t quite see the humour
Would Vicky & Lizzie regret
All the damage they caused? Nah, not yet
The girls kept on vying
A dangerous precedent was set
Vicky & Lizzie delivered a blitz
On a school at the end of its wits
Did they care? Did they f**k
They were common as muck
Those nasty, vindictive young s#!ts
This might cause upset and uproar
It’s a musical satire, what’s more
For the first time ever
We promise you’ve never
Read anything like this before
So pick up your copy today
Of a story about which you will say
That I wanted to barf
But so hard I did laugh
Vicky & Lizzie have just made my day!
Purchase on Amazon: http://amzn.to/2E6h5kO
About Andrew Mackay
Some authors are afraid to cross the line.
Me? Oh, I’m glad you asked! I make “the line” my starting point…
My brand is satire.
I hop between genres like madman on crack because my razor-sharp literary knife is hungry for political and social commentary. One genre just can’t cut it (if you’ll forgive the pun.) I’m obsessed, I tell you!
I write straight-up humor and farce, horror, crime, romance… all under the banner of satire.
My novels often contain a ruthless commentary on society, delving into the darker machinations of modern life. They can be uproarious, funny, outrageous and shocking. Make no mistake, though. They are this way for a reason, and always come equipped with a sense of humanity and wit.
My influences include John Cleese, Tom Sharpe, Kurt Vonnegut, James Patterson, Hunter S Thompson, Douglas Adams, Imogen Edwards-Jones, Michael Frayn, Chris Morris, Jerry Sadowitz, Christopher Hitchins, Bill Maher, George Carlin, Jordan Peterson, Pat Condell, and writer/director Larry Cohen.
My obsessions include (and are essentially limited to) obscene amounts of: smoking, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sex, debating, daydreaming and writing about himself in the third person.
Website – https://chromevalleybooks.com/
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/chromevalleybooks
Twitter – https://twitter.com/Andrew_CVB
Join Andrew Mackay on Facebook for a virtual launch party tonight for a selection of author takeovers and giveaways.
17:00 – 20:00 CST which is 23:00 – 02:00 GMT (14/15 Feb)
“Girls Just Wanna Make Bank”
(Lyrics by V. Hopper and L. White)
I wake up, first thing in the morning,
And think “How do I make myself look less rank?”
The answer is simple, Liz,
You can’t offer the driver a wank,
Us girls, we gotta make bank.
Oh, girls just gotta make bank…
Oh-ho, girls, they wanna make bank.
Vicky and Lizzie run alongside the car.
The driver toots his horn and winks at the pair.
We can’t afford
To buy all the stuff we want
With the shitty pocket money we get.
Our parents force us to go on the rob
Us girls, we gotta make bank.
Yes, you girls,
You gotta make bank.
The pedestrians stop and dance with the pair of girls.
An elderly couple with shopping bags.
A young mother with a baby in stroller.
Vicky & Lizzie:
Girls, we want,
Want to make bank.
When the school day starts and stuff,
Oh girls, you just want to make bank.
Vicky and Lizzie run off with a hop, skip and a jump.
A flurry of school kids join them as they
turn into the school road.
Some boys think that Lizzie and I
Do it for attention and lols.
We want to be the ones that they never blank
So us girls,
We go and make bank.
The other kids line up. Lizzie opens her bag and takes the money from the school children who buy the stolen sweets.
You need to,
You just need to-oo…
Us girls just,
Wanna make bank.
#FREE at the time of posting!
“The Quest for Juice (Paranoia Book 1)”
Genre: Science Fiction & Fantasy
Release Date: November 24, 2014
Oscar has always lived a life of quiet paranoia, but now everything is changing. Suddenly, the bus is frequently late, his housekeys won’t fit in the lock, and someone has taken his juice, which was the one thing holding his life together. He strikes back against the people behind it all, but when he strikes too hard an innocent man ends up dead, and Oscar ends up in jail, diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and facing life in a mental institution. On his journey to mental health and the truth, he has to make hard decisions about medication, trusting his own mind, dating a nurse, and whether that hedgehog can actually talk.
99¢ at the time of posting!
“Murder At The Jolly Jester (The Ronald Rowntree Mysteries Book 1)”
Genre: British/Dark Humor/Satire
Release Date: December 15, 2016
Comedy, capers and conundrums!
Visit the idyllic English village of Duckley, where thrushes sing their merry morning songs and folk breakfast at The Golden Yolk café. Partake of a refreshing gin and tonic, or a full and frothy ale, at the historic Jolly Jester Public House. An idyllic setting perfect for…
Ronald Rowntree manages the Jolly Jester and is a little put out when he discovers a bloody corpse sitting in the saloon bar, even more so when he becomes the No 1 suspect.
“The Reason You’re Alive: A Novel“
Genre: Dark Humor/Self-Help & Psychology/American
Release Date: July 4, 2017
The New York Times bestselling author of The Silver Linings Playbook offers a timely novel featuring his most fascinating character yet, a Vietnam vet embarking on a quixotic crusade to track down his nemesis from the war.
After sixty-eight-year-old David Granger crashes his BMW, medical tests reveal a brain tumor that he readily attributes to his wartime Agent Orange exposure. He wakes up from surgery repeating a name no one in his civilian life has ever heard—that of a Native American soldier whom he was once ordered to discipline. David decides to return something precious he long ago stole from the man he now calls Clayton Fire Bear. It may be the only way to find closure in a world increasingly at odds with the one he served to protect. It may also help him to finally recover from his wife’s untimely demise.
As David confronts his past to salvage his present, a poignant portrait emerges that of an opinionated and good-hearted American patriot fighting like hell to stay true to his red, white, and blue heart, even as the country he loves rapidly changes in ways he doesn’t always like or understands. Hanging in the balance are Granger’s distant art-dealing son, Hank; his adoring seven-year-old granddaughter, Ella; and his best friend, Sue, a Vietnamese American who respects David’s fearless sincerity.
Through the controversial, wrenching, and wildly honest David Granger, Matthew Quick offers a no-nonsense but ultimately hopeful view of America’s polarized psyche. By turns irascible and hilarious, insightful and inconvenient, David is a complex, wounded, honorable, and loving man. The Reason You’re Alive examines how the secrets and debts we carry from our past define us; it also challenges us to look beyond our own prejudices and search for the good in us all.
Matthew Quick is the New York Times bestselling author of several novels, including THE SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK, which was made into an Oscar-winning film. His work has been translated into more than thirty languages and has received a PEN/Hemingway Award Honorable Mention, among other accolades. Matthew lives with his wife on North Carolina’s Outer Banks.